


Paper Mind

by Paint_It_Yellow



Series: Life Goes On (Post GX Canon) [1]
Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! GX
Genre: Anxiety, Gen, Manjoume is mentioned but that's like one sentence so don't come for that, Post-Canon, school's out but emotions are forever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 18:07:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16330988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paint_It_Yellow/pseuds/Paint_It_Yellow
Summary: Shou's first pro duel may have went well to an outsider, but he's a not-so-well-known human wreck, so it's only about right that he doesn't remember the debut that could determine his career.





	Paper Mind

Shou doesn’t really remember his first pro duel. He doesn’t remember who it was against, nor does he really recall what deck the other played, but he remembers the lights and the crowd and the crushing pressure he hadn't felt in so, so long- that he was so sure he was done with.

For a moment, he had considered running off, but he couldn't see anything off-stage even as he stared into where he could just see the figure of his opponent, the harsh lights casting a shadow, large and imposing.

Deep breath.

"Keep your eyes forward and don't lose focus," he muttered the last words he heard from his brother before he went up on stage. "Pressure is your enemy."

The duel was a blur, he ran on instinct and didn’t think; probably the worst thing you can do when in a position meant for strategising, but that’s just how it went.

He won the duel, but when he walked down from the stage he could feel the heat permeate his body and the piercing gazes of everyone around him, judging him- he shouldn’t have won! His heart wasn’t in it, after all, and they all knew it. It was written all over his face. The claps and cheers felt empty but they left his ears ringing even so- or maybe that was just the blood thundering past his ears.

The hallway was blank, or so it felt, and Shou was sure that there were people in that endless hallway he journeyed through, but his gaze was kept to the floor while his face was positioned straightforward as not to give himself away. The heat he’d felt while on stage all but vanished, replaced with a chilling sense of dread.

Ryo stood up from the deep blue sofa in the lobby, a soft smile playing his lips as he made the effort to fill the gap between the two of them as soon as Shou was in his sight.

“You did well,” he congratulated rather lamely, though there wasn’t any expectation for a grand speech from his brother of all people, especially not in a semi-public place.

“You think so?” He was almost ashamed of how hopeful his voice sounded before he schooled it back to neutral, away from weakness. “Thanks.”  
  
Shou glanced at his brother’s eyes, quickly darting away, but he could see the gears turning in his head already, though he kept his mouth shut and just gave him a clap on the shoulder in congratulations. The warmth of the reassurance lingered.

Plans were made to go home and just eat some leftovers- maybe in another situation they may have celebrated by going out, as per their original plan, but that was wordlessly dismissed as they sat in the taxi back home, discussing anything but the duel. Shou was rarely glad of his brother’s perceptiveness- hell, he wouldn’t be later in the night, he was sure- but at that time he only could be.

Buildings passed by, eyes watching but not registering; stuck in his headspace in a way he thought he had been long since past, and knew he should be.

It’d been a year since he’d left Duel Academia, he’d been through worse, he’s had confidence- he has confidence! So why did he have to revert on his debut? He wasn’t a child anymore and he’d already taken the long road to get to this stage! It didn’t make sense.

Stepping out of the taxi and into the crisp air was refreshing, briefly sending him out of his mind and into the world. Quiet, calming, beautiful; though the walk up the apartment building stairs didn’t offer the same brief release.

He hadn’t noticed the plate of heated up food in front of him until he was snapped out of his thoughts with a tap on his forehead. For a moment, he flinched, confused, before his mind kicked into gear and he dragged his attention to where Ryo was now sitting down in his usual chair across from the couch Shou was currently on.

When had they entered their flat? When had he sat down, allowing Ryo to not only get the food out of the fridge, but also to heat up and plate it? He couldn’t think.

Expressing his thanks, Shou started on his meal, noticing but not really registering the concerned gaze of his brother on him. He hadn’t seen it in a while; thought they’d grown out of it.

The next few hours were a contradiction; too slow, too fast. They were sitting in relative silence for a good portion of the meal before the TV was switched on across from Shou if only to give some well-needed background noise. It wasn’t particularly awkward, not really, and yet Shou found himself unable to bear the near silence of the room, the TV show more like an aching static.

Ryo didn’t speak, he rarely did when they were eating unless there was something to talk about. So why wasn’t he speaking?

Hearing the clink of a plate against the glass top of the coffee table, Shou glanced up and over before snatching the plate without thinking- as if it had been sitting for minutes instead of seconds- and heading over to the sink, carrying with him his own plate of half-eaten food shoved around the plate, looking like more had been eaten that it really had.

“You know you don’t have to do that, I’m perfectly capable of taking a plate to the sink,” Ryo spoke up, amusement lacing his tone as he watched him from where he was finding his way back already, not bothering to actually wash up, only dropping the cargo off.

Shou shrugged. “Habit,” he found himself muttering before speaking up. “Besides, just because you were cleared doesn’t mean you should suddenly be running marathons, does it?”

“I’m not planning on running any marathons. The sink isn’t that far away.”

Shou rolled his eyes, having had this conversation multiple times during the past year, even well before Ryo had been cleared to be able to walk around unaccompanied again, but he found himself more relaxed than he had been before just through the routine nature of the interaction.

A skipped beat.

“Is everything alright?”

Shou internally cursed. He really didn’t want to have this conversation- not right now, preferably not ever.

“Yeah, why’re you asking?” he lied, squaring his shoulders ever so slightly, cursing again at the subconscious shift. He really is his own worst enemy.

“You’re more quiet than usual,” Ryo replied, light and casual; the complete opposite of how Shou felt. “And you won’t look me in the eye- you’ve also changed your posture to look more confident like you do when you’re not.”

“I- What?” He could feel his brain momentarily screech to a halt. “You notice these things?”

Ryo shrugged, shifting slightly; if Shou didn’t know any better, he’d have thought he was embarrassed by the idea.

“I’ve lived with you for a year.” Was all the explanation offered and, well, it was better than nothing.

“So, what’s wrong?” Ryo reiterated his question, making sure to initiate eye contact that Shou now felt obligated to return despite himself.

“Nothing.” A raised brow. “Really! Just thinking is all.”

“About?”

Shou hesitated. He didn’t want to talk about it, he really, really didn’t; but he didn’t want to disappoint his brother nor did he particularly like the idea of bottling up until he explodes.

“I blanked out out there,” he admitted eventually, eyes drifting from Ryo’s. “I gave into the pressure, like you told me not to.”

There was a stretch of silence as Shou stared at his lap, Ryo silently judging him.

“That’s alright.” Shou jerked upwards, staring, wide-eyed. “It was a guideline, nothing more.”

“But I-”

Ryo brought his hand up to silence him, waving it gently before it settled back onto his lap.

“Maybe my ‘advice’ wasn’t worded in the most effective way. The first time in a professional setting can be terrifying,” he continued. “Some people are a lot more attuned to it; for others it takes a bit of getting used to.”

“You didn’t,” he pointed out, which elicited a snort and the corner of Ryo’s lips curled upwards in amusement, all to the confusion of Shou.

“Those weren’t exactly my crowning moments either.”

Shou clenched his jaw.

“Okay then.” Shou amended, “Manjoume didn’t.”

“He’s a natural performer. He’s had practice even before he started, he’s embarrassed himself beyond anything he ever could in his professional career- he’s not you.”

“I’ve had practice!” Shou insisted. “Do all those duels at school just not count?”

“Duel Academia can prepare you for a lot,” Ryo leaned back, shut his eyes and silenced himself for a moment before his eyes opened, he leaned forward and he continued like he’d never stopped. “But nothing can prepare you for your first time dueling in front of a camera, surrounded by people you don’t know and don’t know you. Knowing that this is their first impression they’ll have of you and that you’ll carry for years on end.”

Shou stared while Ryo stared back, allowing him to process what he’d been told.

He understood, he thought. If it was the same duel but in the same place he’d familiarised himself with for three years, maybe it would’ve turned out different. If he knew his friends were sitting in the crowd or the wings cheering him on instead of off god knows where doing their own thing- it might’ve been different.

“What I’m getting at,” Ryo said, never the best with words, “is that you’re not giving yourself enough credit. You got up there and you blanked, but you continued anyway- sometimes that’s all you can do- but you didn’t run away, and that’s a good start.”

A smile and then a faint sniff. “Alright, okay,” was all Shou said through a choked up throat, eyes looking pointedly away from his brother as if to hide something. He couldn’t quite tell why he was getting all emotional, maybe he just hadn’t had a straight-forward conversation with someone for so long that he’d regressed.

If Ryo noticed, he didn’t comment and let them sit in an encompassing silence that maybe wasn’t entirely comfortable, but it was closer than any of their previous silences in the past few hours.

Ryo shifted slightly, looking very faintly like he wanted to say something, causing Shou’s eyes to drift towards him again.

“You know I’m proud of you, right?”

Shou’s body tensed then slackened so quickly you’d miss it if you’d blinked. He knew that, deep- actually, no, it wasn’t even deep down. He knew that. Maybe once upon a time he didn’t, but he did now. He really did, but sometimes he forgot. Set it into a vault for safekeeping and then forgot to take it out.

“Yeah?” He couldn’t say he was too sure he knew where this was going; though that was an unsurprisingly common case when the two had these kinds of conversations, though not very often.

“Okay.” Ryo took a breath before standing up and making his way over to the couch. “Just making sure you don’t forget it.”

Shou didn’t miss the smile that had found itself on his brother’s face, though he wasn’t all too sure he himself had noticed, before he ruffled Shou’s hair affectionately in a way that not even their parents had done since maybe ever, as if he were a child, and made his way down the short hall to his room, as if he’d had enough emotions for the day and had been tired out just from that.

Shou got over the brief shock before he twisted his body around to watch Ryo’s retreating figure.

Sometimes, he worried about his brother and his stoic self. Sure, he was older than him, but they were all they really had at this stage. Just a bit over a year now it had been since they… he couldn’t say ‘re-connected’. Even when they were children they hadn’t been that close, and the gap had only grown over time. And then it changed within such a short time span it almost gave him whiplash. For the first time, they were acting like members of a real, functioning family. They’d never had the chance to experience that.

Shou snapped out of his thoughts as he heard Ryo’s door click open.

  
“Night!” he called, receiving the same, if muffled, response back before the click of the door was sounded and Shou was left in silence. A nice silence.

Yeah. Maybe they could get back what they never quite had. One step at a time.

**Author's Note:**

> I can't tell whether I'm all that happy with this one or not, but I decided it was about high time I write about one of my favourite GX characters at long last. Took a different approach this time in how I wrote, going over a period of a few days instead of just writing it all in one. Plus side, the ending isn't as rushed as I tend toward (I think) so yay!
> 
> Not-So-Fun fact: while brainstorming the title, I ended up landing on 'paper cards' but then I realised that was too redundant so I had to change it.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed reading! Suggestions are welcome.
> 
> Find me on tumblr at [future-circuit!](http://future-circuit.tumblr.com/)


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